I wouldn't pick you up. Honestly, I was too scared. I didn't know if you were stable enough for me to touch. I remember when going to visit some parents who seemed overwhelmed left me bringing you home feeling the same way. I remember when i prayed on the way home that you would make it home. I remember walking into the house and Zach holding you right away. I remember watching wondering why it wasn't that easy for me. I remember liking your biological family. I remember some of our friends coming right over to see you. Some held you immediately and others wept at how small you were. I remember day 2. I remember getting the courage to hold you. You wouldn't look at me. You watched your nails as though you had just had them done. I remember you wouldn't make eye contact with me. I remember feeling more comfortable holding you as the days went on. I remember some who, by there expression, wondered what in the world were we thinking adding you to our family. I remember that not long after I got comfortable holding you, your G-tube got caught in my pants seem and I pulled your mickey out! I remember thinking I had hurt you for good. Then I remember your mom. I remember her fixing it with a new g-tube mickey like a NASCAR pit crew. I remember thinking that was the last time I'd hold you. I remember taking that back and holding you that night. I remember the first time you got pneumonia. I remember being at the local hospital and realizing that this wasn't going to be a place for you. I remember you and mommy going in the ambulance to All-children's in St. Pete. I remember going home and packing for her a night bag and heading there too. I remember not really knowing how to get there. I remember during that week, as mom stayed with you, I learned the route bringing her more clothes and seeing you. I remember going home. I love home. I remember about a month later you got pneumonia again. I remember us going back over. I remember not dealing well without your mom and worried more and more about you. I remember realizing that we were possibly going to spend a good bit of time at All-Children's. I remember going home. I love home. I remember 6 months of no pneumonia. I remember thinking we were over this stage of your life. I was wrong. I remember your O2 levels going so low that I had to call 911. I remember begging God for you. I remember them getting you out to All-Children's again quickly. From there, you had emergency surgery on your tonsils and adnoids. I remember seeing you on a ventilator after surgery. I knew it was going to happen, but I wasn't prepared. Again, I begged God for you. I love you. I remember realizing at this point how much I love you. I would trade places with you for you. I remember your mom fighting for you, praying, crying, watching numbers for hours, loving you. I remember you coming home...after 3 1/2 weeks. I remember you hiding your eyes from all of us except mom. With good reason. You had been thru a lot and I would never blame you. I remember after a couple of days finally holding you and you tolerating me. I remember you smiled. You still hid but you smiled. I remember rocking you side to side and making music noises. I remember you smiling and even lauqhing. Then, you truly cuddled with me. I had begged God to let me do that again. I remember coming to the realization that you may not be ok, but God still loved me and cared and loved you. I remember finally letting go of the worry. I know I will still worry, but I know God loves you and has your life in His hands. That's why He gave you to us. Look at you now! I love you. I love you so much I can't even contain it. Is this just a glimpse of the love God has for me? I pray we get to dance when you turn 16. I so want to spin you around and watch you smile:)
